There is a strange place within me, there where the word Self tries to point something out. That place of stillness and calm where I am with myself and look out for the Self. A place deep in the heart, free of ties to the outside world, a place where being alone feels right. No expectations are active there; other people are certainly present in memory or in thought, but they have no influence. That place where the word Self tries to point to something is a place where I spent a great deal of time as a teenager. At times I was very depressed — heartbreak, parents, puberty — the usual things. In comparison, it probably was not as bad as it felt, even though some of those around me saw me as depressed. I seemed that way because I spent a lot of time in bed, thinking about the Self. I simply did not know what other people meant by it.
I had a lot of discussions, sometimes bringing parties to a halt because I had challenged a group of twenty to a discussion that then became so heated that the host intervened. This happened to me a few times. In the schoolyard, fellow students would come up to me wanting to debate, to test themselves against me and show me what this Self was. I resisted; I would not be persuaded of its existence. I knew that place where others suppose the Self to be. I was present there, strong, argumentative. I wanted to find the Self there. Now I think that this Self as such really does not exist, but that something entirely different can be found there.
That ground of being where one’s own existence is thrown back upon itself and understands itself as the center of all existence, without delusions of grandeur. For here there is a being held that is not anchored in anything concrete, but is one with emptiness, being, consciousness, Brahman. This experience of one’s own existence within existence itself — perhaps this is the point where the soul springs forth. For this is what I have been seeking since childhood. It was always clear to me that this concerned something other than my little ego or what others see in me. The soul is not something we recognize early. Many never recognize it; some recognize it spontaneously, with great good fortune even very early. This probably does not have all that much to do with religion. There are people filled with soul who deny being religious, and there are probably also many people who understand themselves as religious and have no contact with their soul. Perhaps these really can be separated. When someone is truly conscious of their existence and even understands it as unique, they are already very close to the soul.
But how can it be awakened? How does such a rebirth happen? Where does the light come on; what is illuminated? This was what I always wanted to know as a teenager. These were the discussions I had, with many people and constantly, and I had now forgotten them for a long time. Back then I received no satisfying answer. I thought I was asking the right questions, felt superior to the others, but knew no answer. Now I am a little closer. To understand oneself as held within the greater whole, to be conscious of this and understand oneself as alive — that is the first step. This place where the word Self now tries to mean something is nothing other than what it points to. I am here and now, part of the whole, and have everything within me. This is how the Isha Upanishad begins. And from here a certainty flows; from here there is no fear. Certainly, we do not know everything, are not conscious of ourselves, perhaps have not yet found our expression, but this is an awake being in the world.
For me, it has always been necessary to realize this being in the four states of the Mandukya Upanishad — in a constant alternation between waking, sleeping, dreaming, and insight (Turiya). Only when we move from one to another and back again can I be conscious of myself. That is why I spent a lot of time in bed, and even today I have phases when I sleep through a weekend and move between these states to locate myself anew. It is a searching in peace and calm. It leads to transformation. I emerge from such phases changed. This is my path. Others may be creative or give themselves over, perhaps also preach, contemplate. I sleep.